The Ladies of Horror
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Smart Doorbell: Review
by Alex Grey
Cracha the Witch you gave this product FOUR stars…
Product: Smart Demon Doorbell
Supplier: Demons and Druids Inc.
Ordering: So easy! The dark web is great. Disappointing that “witch’s favours” are not a recognised currency on Paypal — I had to hex someone for their credit card.
Installation: The installation druid was very polite and obliged me by taking his shirt off to show me the wide range of link tattoos I could choose from. The celtic runes he drew on the wall were very neat but he did slop some paint on my driveway, so now I have demonic paving slabs which are quite feral. The link tattoos were very painful to install and I now wish I’d paid for the “red tooth” option as the vampire’s bite which sets up the brain to demon connection is, apparently, painless.
Appearance: The celtic runes are really classy and suit my whole “cottage in the woods” aesthetic. The demon, which appears when summoned by unwelcome callers, is suitably intimidating, though the skull and bell tone — (WHO DARETH APPROACH THIS DREAD PORTAL? Seriously?) are frankly outdated. I have some ideas if you’d like to tailor your offering to the modern witch market.
Useability: It’s so easy! A knock at the door triggers the runes – they tell me who’s at the door and the smart doorbell reads my feelings – I don’t even need to think! I’ll never pay bills ever again as the demon is very efficient when it comes to devouring debt collectors and suchlike.The demon is not so good at species recognition, but it was a simple fix to get a carpenter to move the cat-flap to the back door. .
Anything else? The demonic doorbell runs on blood, which is a more sustainable energy source than electricity as I don’t suppose we’ll ever run out of doorstep sellers, tax collectors, Jehovah’s Witnesses, carol singers and the like. My main problem, which is what lost you a whole star, is that a witch needs to eat and that demon is too darn quick. It’s had every damned orphan and red-caped munchkin that I’ve lured to the door, despite my thinking pleasant thoughts about pies. I sure hope that the maintenance druid comes soon, assuming he can get past the savage paving slabs, I’m starving here!
Fiction © Copyright Alex Grey
Image courtesy of Pixabay.com
More about Alex Grey:
After a lifetime of writing technical non-fiction, Alex Grey is fulfilling her dream of writing poems and stories that engage the reader’s emotions. Her work has been featured by a wide range of publications including Siren’s Call, Raconteur, Bookends Review, and Toasted Cheese. One of her comic poems is also available via a worldwide network of public fiction dispensers managed by French publisher, Short Edition. Her ingredients for contentment are narrow boating, greyhounds, singing and chocolate. It is a sweet life, yet Alex’ original view of the world has led to her best friend to say ‘For someone so lovely, you’re very twisted!
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