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That Part of Me 
by Melissa R. Mendelson

There is that part of me that would kill me if it could, but not actually kill.  It would destroy what was left of my heart, and then my mind.  It arrived the same day that she returned.  Something broke inside of me, and that part took control, almost doing something so devastating that there would be no return from it.  But I was able to grab back control in that last minute, preventing a horrific tragedy from happening.

I thought that part of me was gone.  It has been a long time, but it was sleeping, lying deep beneath detection.  Then, it woke up in June, jolted from its slumber.  Its thin, cold fingers clawed for control, digging into my mind, filling it with that urge that I almost acted upon once, and I fought back.  But in fighting back, I felt sick, so sick inside and out, and that part of me laughed, gaining a foothold.  This time, it was not going away.

Now, I am fighting that part of me almost every day.  My mind searched itself and found walls that it traced its long, crooked fingers along, looking for a weak spot, and it found it, pushing the walls over.  I dug into my resources, my training, struggling to keep it at bay.  I could not lose control to that part of me because like I said, there would be no return, no forgiveness, and I even have a hard time forgiving myself for other deeds.  But there would be no forgiveness for it wanted from me.

It is quiet right now.  I can think again, but I know it’s not gone.  All it would take is one trigger, one little thing to let it out, and that can’t happen.  Its eyes are closed, pretending to sleep, but when I don’t look at it, make sure that it is contained, it is staring back at me, a small sinister smile playing on its thin, white lips.

That part of me died a long time ago because of what she did.  It was too much.  No one should have to endure such psychological damage, and there was so much collateral damage.  And it came back, twisted, angry, broken, a monster inside of me, and it could take years, if that to maybe recover what that part used to be.  I don’t even remember what that part of me used to be.

I used to feel.  I used to be alive.  I used to be more.  These last four years, she especially, stripped me of that, and I hope to get it back.  I hope to be whole one day, but that part of me remains.  It doesn’t want to go away, and if it could kill my heart, my mind, and destroy what humanity is left inside of me, it would.

I have no choice but to fight it, and I hope that I win in the end.

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Fiction © Copyright Melissa R. Mendelson
Image courtesy of Pixabay.com.

About Author Melissa R. Mendelson:

Melissa R. Mendelson is the author of the Sci-Fi Novella, Waken.  She also has a prose poetry collection called, This Will Remain With Us published by Wild Ink Publishing.  Her short story collections, Better Off Here and Name’s Keeper can be found on Amazon/Amazon Kindle.

If you’d like to learn more about Melissa, you can visit her accounts here: www.MelissaMendelson.com

Bluesky: @melissarmendelson.bsky.social